Difficult conversations are difficult. There are simple things that can make them less challenging, but the painful part is overcoming our desire not to do them; being angry feels good. Even if the anger itself doesn’t feel great, being engaged fully in a powerful emotion does. Mindful of this, we can still look at some means by which we can make disagreements smoother.

• Practice the adoption of the other person’s position. These are our “second position” skills. If we can remember that the other person’s stance makes sense to them, we credit it with legitimacy and seek to understand it.
• When the conversation is at its least productive, it is more important than ever to listen. It is also when you will least want to do so.v • The words are the tip of the iceberg in communication. Mannerisms, the facial expressions, the tone of voice, the expectations of the other, the reputation of those involved, and more lie beneath these words. Acknowledge this when trying to assess how a conversation has become impossible.
• Remember what you wish to accomplish and be purposive. Don’t get lost in point-scoring. Keep the goal in mind and work towards it.
• When accepting responsibility or encouraging somebody else to do so, we should remember that “joint contribution” does not mean “50/50”. You may have contributed to the state of affairs, and acknowledging this is conducive to better relationships. Knowing that taking on some of the blame doesn’t leave you “just as culpable” can make it more palatable.

There we go then. Many people have written books about how we can better communicate. One of my favourites is “How to Have Impossible Conversations” by Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay. We don’t have time to read them all, and sometimes it helps to have just a few core take-home points. Hopefully, these will help the next time you find yourself in a heated argument.